I always find your searing honesty a pleasure to read. It seems to me as if despite so many things in this Push Back going wrong, it has nevertheless been something of a turning point for you. And I am very glad.
I don’t underestimate for a moment what lies ahead. But glad that this experience did bring some joy.
Please keep writing. I should think your writing means a very great deal to very many people. Thank you.
I can’t add anything, others here have taken whatever words I might have summoned straight from my mouth. Actually, words don’t come as easily as they used to (I am a 75 year old retired academic) but your team push up Snowdon reminds me of the great times I have had, still do, with my running mates. Btw I live in Wales (am not Welsh) so might be forgiven for forgetting the proper name. You have vicariously cheered me up which seems a bit selfish.
There was a Manchester band who laboured under the unwieldy moniker of I Am Kloot. One of their songs 'Some Better Day' has a video that stars the actor John Simm, who finds himself left behind on the pavement by a crowd of mourners, as they climb into a procession of black cars. By the time he arrives at the church, the funeral service is over. Everyone brushes past him on the way out. At the wake, which is in a pub, he sees his framed photograph in the middle of one of the tables and realises that he is dead. After the initial shock wears off, he looks around the room. His old mum seems to be coming to terms with losing her son. A group of men his age, who were probably his co-workers, are reminiscing. A young boy, who is obviously his son, is having a thumb war with a young woman. He finds a kind of peace and acceptance in the knowledge that his loved ones are okay and that life will carry on.
Your post-push party wasn't quite that – it wasn't a wake. You are clearly not dead. However, it was a celebration, both of the man who you were and the man who you are today. A group of individuals, who you connected with at different times in your life, cared enough about both of these men to drag you, Fitzcarraldo-style, halfway up a hill in inclement weather. These people value you. They saw good qualities in you when they became your friend and they continue to see good qualities in you. I advise that you do not take that for granted or assume that such a thing is universal. When I die, there will be a lot of people who will say 'good riddance' if they acknowledge the event at all.
Grief is like a pendulum. I find, at my age, there multiple are pendulums swinging back and forth. Some are easier to still than others. Some will never be still. As the late Rainer Ptacek once observed, after watching one of his children shining a flash light up into the sky, at the stars: “Some things take time to know, some things you never do, some things you can't forget, they just become you.”
The poet and author George Mackay Brown, who I think very highly of, complied a short list of Orkney expressions for different kinds of rain. I wrote them down: “Driv, Rug, Murr, Hagger, Dag, Rav, Helliefer” The formation of these words, along the sound they make when they are said out loud, makes it easy to imagine the expressions of rain they might represent. To them, I will add the word “clag”.
I was up Snowdon on Saturday too with a group of people with another sort of screwed-up spine, most of us having had spinal surgery/metalwork for scoliosis. I'm definitely in that pitiable properly equipped hill walker on a mountain category and it was a real slog to make it to the summit (or 10 steps short of it because we cba with queuing to get to the cairn when we couldn't see beyond our noses anyway). I thought of you often on the climb in that weird, regular reader, parasocial stranger sort of way, and I'm so glad to read this cautiously hopeful account of a shitty wet weekend in Wales.
I’ve just finished reading this emotional rollercoaster of a trip and review of it and I’m not sure why it is making me cry, or whether I’m happy, sad or both. Maybe it’s the acceptance I see in this. And, I see no reason why you shouldn’t return or do more of this. I think they are happy tears, Paul.
Wow Paul!! Well done 👏 You managed to overcome so many obstacles both literal and psychological to be able to complete the Challenge and raising £15k is fantastic!! Is this the start of a new direction for you? Undertaking increasingly difficult or interesting Challenges? You mention about wishing you'd never become a climber and instead been content with hill walking..
A few weeks ago I received a text from a close friend shocked and devastated after learning her fit, extremely experienced hill walking relative had died descending Glencoe in bad weather. No one really knows what happened but they were there behind their friend who had his hood up one minute, then the friend turned round and they'd disappeared. They were eventually found having slipped 60m, but not a fall as such and were stopped by a rock. I was surprised it didn't make the news and it's left me wondering how many deaths there are that aren't reported in the news. I was thinking about you yesterday listening to the Rich Roll Podcast with Laurie R. Santos, a Yale Prof. who lectures on the science of Happiness. It might be something that is of interest to you as some of the research she discusses supports the experiences you've written about in this blog. Keep writing and keep keeping on 😊
Fuck yeah Amigo!! Life will keep smacking you down until you pick yourself up, kick it in the dick and keep moving. Life's greatest and most rewarding challenges aren't physical, they're mental.
I found this moving to the point of tears. So many people who care about you—as you said, friends make all the difference.
I also recognized that feeling of having in your head what a “perfect” experience might be but then realising that the reality of the experience will be different than imagined—but can still be complete, satisfying, & good.
I’m glad that overall things went well & you were able to have this success.
Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself with me. I find myself hesitating to write as I don't want to take anything away from your story but I found myself so impressed with your ability to bounce back from all of the small challenges of that weekend never mind the huge challenge of getting up the mountain. dare I see it, you humbled me in my self-indulgent misery.
Thoughts: those two older guys in the pics are ripped. One of them is probably Noah? The end of this is important and you nicely described it: the day was different, less, more, other, than you imagined it, like life, “and I wasn’t going to get to *see* anything”, yet you did *see* something. Shivering for an hour in bed, accessing anger, perspective shifted…
I'm in tears here. So overjoyed that this actually happened! (And wryly amused at the perfiduousness of the mountain gods...) Fuck yes, you did it, despite the many annoyances, impediments, & risks. And basically, it's surprisingly moving to see you, a person I have up til now known only through words.
From the very first moment when the trains screw you up and you find a way to make it work.. I recognised that. You’ll always be a climber. It’s just the routes have changed.
Full time lurker here... I didn't even know there were comments on these posts until now, but I've been following you for what has felt like a whole year, soaking in the words you write with great respect and silent nods.
I just wanted to thank you for sharing and doing so with such intimacy and honesty. Please don't stop. While I don't carry as vivid a memory as you do, I keep you and your reflections in my thoughts, and they are especially meaningful as a climber myself.
Greetings from the blazing hot desert in Northern Mexico, where home climbing in 35 degree weather is as good as it gets for the better part of the year, and where we don't usually have the luxury of absorbing some good luck from being shat on by seagulls. Cheers mate
I always find your searing honesty a pleasure to read. It seems to me as if despite so many things in this Push Back going wrong, it has nevertheless been something of a turning point for you. And I am very glad.
I don’t underestimate for a moment what lies ahead. But glad that this experience did bring some joy.
Please keep writing. I should think your writing means a very great deal to very many people. Thank you.
I can’t add anything, others here have taken whatever words I might have summoned straight from my mouth. Actually, words don’t come as easily as they used to (I am a 75 year old retired academic) but your team push up Snowdon reminds me of the great times I have had, still do, with my running mates. Btw I live in Wales (am not Welsh) so might be forgiven for forgetting the proper name. You have vicariously cheered me up which seems a bit selfish.
Thanks for continuing to write, Paul. It's a privilege to share what you are going through. Thank you.
There was a Manchester band who laboured under the unwieldy moniker of I Am Kloot. One of their songs 'Some Better Day' has a video that stars the actor John Simm, who finds himself left behind on the pavement by a crowd of mourners, as they climb into a procession of black cars. By the time he arrives at the church, the funeral service is over. Everyone brushes past him on the way out. At the wake, which is in a pub, he sees his framed photograph in the middle of one of the tables and realises that he is dead. After the initial shock wears off, he looks around the room. His old mum seems to be coming to terms with losing her son. A group of men his age, who were probably his co-workers, are reminiscing. A young boy, who is obviously his son, is having a thumb war with a young woman. He finds a kind of peace and acceptance in the knowledge that his loved ones are okay and that life will carry on.
Your post-push party wasn't quite that – it wasn't a wake. You are clearly not dead. However, it was a celebration, both of the man who you were and the man who you are today. A group of individuals, who you connected with at different times in your life, cared enough about both of these men to drag you, Fitzcarraldo-style, halfway up a hill in inclement weather. These people value you. They saw good qualities in you when they became your friend and they continue to see good qualities in you. I advise that you do not take that for granted or assume that such a thing is universal. When I die, there will be a lot of people who will say 'good riddance' if they acknowledge the event at all.
Grief is like a pendulum. I find, at my age, there multiple are pendulums swinging back and forth. Some are easier to still than others. Some will never be still. As the late Rainer Ptacek once observed, after watching one of his children shining a flash light up into the sky, at the stars: “Some things take time to know, some things you never do, some things you can't forget, they just become you.”
The poet and author George Mackay Brown, who I think very highly of, complied a short list of Orkney expressions for different kinds of rain. I wrote them down: “Driv, Rug, Murr, Hagger, Dag, Rav, Helliefer” The formation of these words, along the sound they make when they are said out loud, makes it easy to imagine the expressions of rain they might represent. To them, I will add the word “clag”.
can i just say your comments are always fascinating
I was up Snowdon on Saturday too with a group of people with another sort of screwed-up spine, most of us having had spinal surgery/metalwork for scoliosis. I'm definitely in that pitiable properly equipped hill walker on a mountain category and it was a real slog to make it to the summit (or 10 steps short of it because we cba with queuing to get to the cairn when we couldn't see beyond our noses anyway). I thought of you often on the climb in that weird, regular reader, parasocial stranger sort of way, and I'm so glad to read this cautiously hopeful account of a shitty wet weekend in Wales.
I’ve just finished reading this emotional rollercoaster of a trip and review of it and I’m not sure why it is making me cry, or whether I’m happy, sad or both. Maybe it’s the acceptance I see in this. And, I see no reason why you shouldn’t return or do more of this. I think they are happy tears, Paul.
Wow Paul!! Well done 👏 You managed to overcome so many obstacles both literal and psychological to be able to complete the Challenge and raising £15k is fantastic!! Is this the start of a new direction for you? Undertaking increasingly difficult or interesting Challenges? You mention about wishing you'd never become a climber and instead been content with hill walking..
A few weeks ago I received a text from a close friend shocked and devastated after learning her fit, extremely experienced hill walking relative had died descending Glencoe in bad weather. No one really knows what happened but they were there behind their friend who had his hood up one minute, then the friend turned round and they'd disappeared. They were eventually found having slipped 60m, but not a fall as such and were stopped by a rock. I was surprised it didn't make the news and it's left me wondering how many deaths there are that aren't reported in the news. I was thinking about you yesterday listening to the Rich Roll Podcast with Laurie R. Santos, a Yale Prof. who lectures on the science of Happiness. It might be something that is of interest to you as some of the research she discusses supports the experiences you've written about in this blog. Keep writing and keep keeping on 😊
Fuck yeah Amigo!! Life will keep smacking you down until you pick yourself up, kick it in the dick and keep moving. Life's greatest and most rewarding challenges aren't physical, they're mental.
I found this moving to the point of tears. So many people who care about you—as you said, friends make all the difference.
I also recognized that feeling of having in your head what a “perfect” experience might be but then realising that the reality of the experience will be different than imagined—but can still be complete, satisfying, & good.
I’m glad that overall things went well & you were able to have this success.
Dear Paul,
Thank you so much for sharing so much of yourself with me. I find myself hesitating to write as I don't want to take anything away from your story but I found myself so impressed with your ability to bounce back from all of the small challenges of that weekend never mind the huge challenge of getting up the mountain. dare I see it, you humbled me in my self-indulgent misery.
Well done to you and everyone involved
Paul, your writing is beautiful and inspirational. Please keep it up.
Thoughts: those two older guys in the pics are ripped. One of them is probably Noah? The end of this is important and you nicely described it: the day was different, less, more, other, than you imagined it, like life, “and I wasn’t going to get to *see* anything”, yet you did *see* something. Shivering for an hour in bed, accessing anger, perspective shifted…
Fantastic! What a weekend and I’m endlessly in awe of your generosity in sharing your struggles. Indeed, your luck is changing.
Nothing better than friends‼️🌈
I'm in tears here. So overjoyed that this actually happened! (And wryly amused at the perfiduousness of the mountain gods...) Fuck yes, you did it, despite the many annoyances, impediments, & risks. And basically, it's surprisingly moving to see you, a person I have up til now known only through words.
From the very first moment when the trains screw you up and you find a way to make it work.. I recognised that. You’ll always be a climber. It’s just the routes have changed.
Full time lurker here... I didn't even know there were comments on these posts until now, but I've been following you for what has felt like a whole year, soaking in the words you write with great respect and silent nods.
I just wanted to thank you for sharing and doing so with such intimacy and honesty. Please don't stop. While I don't carry as vivid a memory as you do, I keep you and your reflections in my thoughts, and they are especially meaningful as a climber myself.
Greetings from the blazing hot desert in Northern Mexico, where home climbing in 35 degree weather is as good as it gets for the better part of the year, and where we don't usually have the luxury of absorbing some good luck from being shat on by seagulls. Cheers mate