Hey Paul. Good news that you are moving on, albeit to somewhere imperfect and interim. But its sweet progress. I've been following your posts for a while and really enjoy your writing. Thanks for sharing this stuff with us internet lurkers. What you are going through is frightening to even consider let alone live, but you're doing it and still making jokes. Massive respect. Looking forward to more words, more progress and to you awakening that brain some more.
Still following you quite closely and glad to hear that things seem to be moving in a positive direction. As you say, a nursing home isn't the best fit for you really, but a private room and physiotherapy are definitely pluses!
I have tried so often to get into meditation because I get so anxious about things; I SUCK at it but keep trying because "they say" it's good for you. One of the tricks I'm worst at is the "lovingkindness toward yourself" one. You're right: if a friend said to me the horrible things I say to myself at 4:00 in the morning, I'd be crushed. But at the same time, it's true that I have NOT gotten that chapter done, and I have NOT responded to those departmental emails about changes to the program, and so on and so on. My point being, I'm anxious for a reason--I am behind at work (for all sorts of reasons). So while I certainly don't think you are a useless freak, I completely understand that terrible voice in your head. Here's hoping that with some peace and quiet and a change of scenery, you can feel more intellectually stimulated and productive again. I can absolutely see you being able to teach again and you certainly write beautifully and movingly, with clarity and purpose. Those are incredible strengths.
I suspect that ' this too will pass' may become your mantra over the coming months, which isn't to say there is not cause for guarded optimism. Privacy, regular physiotherapy, along with the prospect of improved cuisine are all good reasons to be hopeful. On paper, the home sounds promising. That being said, even in the best care setting, being around dementia patients can be stressful.
I have seen young people – much younger than you – with severe cognitive impairment, resulting from head trauma, get discharged to nursing homes that predominately cater for elderly patients with advanced neurological issues, because there is nowhere else for them to go. I booked transport for some of them and couldn't believe where they were being sent to spend the rest of their lives. It felt like a betrayal. The good news is that, at some point, you will get to move on. During the interim, I hope you have friends who can visit you and keep your spirits up. That will be important.
I am sure I am not making any astounding revelation when I say that referring to yourself as a “broken freak” is not good for your self-esteem and overall mental health, and may even be undermining it. One of my co-morbidities has recently flared up and I have been in an unusual amount of pain throughout January. I find it healthier to direct my frustration with my turncoat immune system outward into the uncaring and amoral universe, though some of the language I have been bellowing towards the nearest ceiling may be regarded as inappropriate in a hospital/care home setting.
I've been around what are broadly described as learning disabled individuals. The disparaging way they sometimes talk about themselves can be quite shocking, though I think that is more about humorously owning their condition, than it is about running themselves down.
Given that we have finite energy at our disposal and also a finite amount of time in sentient form, it seems counter-productive to negatively fixate on a state of affairs over which you have minimal control, though hopefully you will continue to make small but significant improvements.
I think that you need a project (my condescending answer to many of life's existential quandaries) – one that leans on your proven strengths as an academic. Despite falling down a bloody huge cliff, I imagine that you still have a cognitive edge over a good percentage of the population. If I attempted to read The Theory of Moral Sentiments, my expression would probably rapidly mirror that of one of Paris Hilton's purse puppies, the moment after it had been shown it a card trick.
You used to be someone. That is true. Now you are someone different. The potential for greatness remains, but you have to move towards it.
So pleased for you mate. Can't imagine what the prospect of regaining some privacy must feel like! Also, if you're reading and helping colleagues already, whilst going through so much, (bearing in mind it's only been 7 months or so since you woke up!), then I'd say you're surely on track to produce serious work again. The best of your output is yet to come
Really good to hear about the nursing home, and also about the future living situation. It’s been so frustrating on your behalf to read about you having to contend with stupid stuff like early morning fluorescent lights and noise etc, things which will be affecting your state of mind and which are so fixable.
I just want to home in on this: “More often, though, it’s just an accusation that pops into my mind out of nowhere”. I’m sure you know it’s very revealing of the fact that there may not actually be much of a causal relationship between the disability and the thoughts - these are just the thoughts you have. If I were to try and imagine myself in your position for example (I can’t really do that, obviously) I think I’d say different bad things to myself, probably along the lines of “I am doomed/unlucky” because that happens to be my particular set of brainworms. You’ve got this other set of brainworms that seem to be to do with your utility (and incidentally you seem to have the positive version of my brainworms, because you’ve mentioned a couple of times always having been lucky). There isn’t an obvious relationship to me between something so clearly external as the outcome of an accident and the variety of thought you’re having about it. This doesn’t mean you can unpick them easily because thoughts are habitual, it just may be helpful to reflect on the connection being something basically habitual and internal and specific to you, it’s not universal and observable to others.
As well as not wanting to hear someone else talking to you the way you talk to yourself, you probably wouldn't want to hear yourself talking to another person in that way either. If we can at least have as a baseline that no person is useless and every person is someone, humanity might be significantly more humane.
I can imagine that some people might want to claim the mantle of "broken freak" tho, as long as the observation is expressed with awe and admiration
Here's to a Room of One's Own! (Even without the lock on the door and living wage Woolf also believed necessary- still- one out of three has to be an improvement on none out of three.)
It’s wonderful to hear a wee bit of optimism tippy-toeing into your commentary! So glad to hear you’ll soon have a room of your own… privacy goes a long way toward helping rebuild a sense of yourself.
Hey Paul. Good news that you are moving on, albeit to somewhere imperfect and interim. But its sweet progress. I've been following your posts for a while and really enjoy your writing. Thanks for sharing this stuff with us internet lurkers. What you are going through is frightening to even consider let alone live, but you're doing it and still making jokes. Massive respect. Looking forward to more words, more progress and to you awakening that brain some more.
YOU are not broken. Your body is broken. You are not your body. It is a shell that houses YOU.
Perhaps looking at it that way can help?
I hope the move is positive and look forward to your posts.
And wonderful that the possility of teaching has settled in your mind.
Still following you quite closely and glad to hear that things seem to be moving in a positive direction. As you say, a nursing home isn't the best fit for you really, but a private room and physiotherapy are definitely pluses!
I have tried so often to get into meditation because I get so anxious about things; I SUCK at it but keep trying because "they say" it's good for you. One of the tricks I'm worst at is the "lovingkindness toward yourself" one. You're right: if a friend said to me the horrible things I say to myself at 4:00 in the morning, I'd be crushed. But at the same time, it's true that I have NOT gotten that chapter done, and I have NOT responded to those departmental emails about changes to the program, and so on and so on. My point being, I'm anxious for a reason--I am behind at work (for all sorts of reasons). So while I certainly don't think you are a useless freak, I completely understand that terrible voice in your head. Here's hoping that with some peace and quiet and a change of scenery, you can feel more intellectually stimulated and productive again. I can absolutely see you being able to teach again and you certainly write beautifully and movingly, with clarity and purpose. Those are incredible strengths.
I suspect that ' this too will pass' may become your mantra over the coming months, which isn't to say there is not cause for guarded optimism. Privacy, regular physiotherapy, along with the prospect of improved cuisine are all good reasons to be hopeful. On paper, the home sounds promising. That being said, even in the best care setting, being around dementia patients can be stressful.
I have seen young people – much younger than you – with severe cognitive impairment, resulting from head trauma, get discharged to nursing homes that predominately cater for elderly patients with advanced neurological issues, because there is nowhere else for them to go. I booked transport for some of them and couldn't believe where they were being sent to spend the rest of their lives. It felt like a betrayal. The good news is that, at some point, you will get to move on. During the interim, I hope you have friends who can visit you and keep your spirits up. That will be important.
I am sure I am not making any astounding revelation when I say that referring to yourself as a “broken freak” is not good for your self-esteem and overall mental health, and may even be undermining it. One of my co-morbidities has recently flared up and I have been in an unusual amount of pain throughout January. I find it healthier to direct my frustration with my turncoat immune system outward into the uncaring and amoral universe, though some of the language I have been bellowing towards the nearest ceiling may be regarded as inappropriate in a hospital/care home setting.
I've been around what are broadly described as learning disabled individuals. The disparaging way they sometimes talk about themselves can be quite shocking, though I think that is more about humorously owning their condition, than it is about running themselves down.
Given that we have finite energy at our disposal and also a finite amount of time in sentient form, it seems counter-productive to negatively fixate on a state of affairs over which you have minimal control, though hopefully you will continue to make small but significant improvements.
I think that you need a project (my condescending answer to many of life's existential quandaries) – one that leans on your proven strengths as an academic. Despite falling down a bloody huge cliff, I imagine that you still have a cognitive edge over a good percentage of the population. If I attempted to read The Theory of Moral Sentiments, my expression would probably rapidly mirror that of one of Paris Hilton's purse puppies, the moment after it had been shown it a card trick.
You used to be someone. That is true. Now you are someone different. The potential for greatness remains, but you have to move towards it.
Best of luck with the move and I’m glad you’re back reading TMS :)
So pleased for you mate. Can't imagine what the prospect of regaining some privacy must feel like! Also, if you're reading and helping colleagues already, whilst going through so much, (bearing in mind it's only been 7 months or so since you woke up!), then I'd say you're surely on track to produce serious work again. The best of your output is yet to come
Really good to hear about the nursing home, and also about the future living situation. It’s been so frustrating on your behalf to read about you having to contend with stupid stuff like early morning fluorescent lights and noise etc, things which will be affecting your state of mind and which are so fixable.
I just want to home in on this: “More often, though, it’s just an accusation that pops into my mind out of nowhere”. I’m sure you know it’s very revealing of the fact that there may not actually be much of a causal relationship between the disability and the thoughts - these are just the thoughts you have. If I were to try and imagine myself in your position for example (I can’t really do that, obviously) I think I’d say different bad things to myself, probably along the lines of “I am doomed/unlucky” because that happens to be my particular set of brainworms. You’ve got this other set of brainworms that seem to be to do with your utility (and incidentally you seem to have the positive version of my brainworms, because you’ve mentioned a couple of times always having been lucky). There isn’t an obvious relationship to me between something so clearly external as the outcome of an accident and the variety of thought you’re having about it. This doesn’t mean you can unpick them easily because thoughts are habitual, it just may be helpful to reflect on the connection being something basically habitual and internal and specific to you, it’s not universal and observable to others.
As well as not wanting to hear someone else talking to you the way you talk to yourself, you probably wouldn't want to hear yourself talking to another person in that way either. If we can at least have as a baseline that no person is useless and every person is someone, humanity might be significantly more humane.
I can imagine that some people might want to claim the mantle of "broken freak" tho, as long as the observation is expressed with awe and admiration
Here's to a Room of One's Own! (Even without the lock on the door and living wage Woolf also believed necessary- still- one out of three has to be an improvement on none out of three.)
Hope the food is better and the room is nice and quiet.
Dear Paul, I look forward so much to reading your news. Thank you for sharing it.
Good luck with your move to the nursing home. I hope it's peaceful and you do get better food!
It’s wonderful to hear a wee bit of optimism tippy-toeing into your commentary! So glad to hear you’ll soon have a room of your own… privacy goes a long way toward helping rebuild a sense of yourself.
Great you’re re-engaging your brain!
I see a lot of future for you!!