The Cage
Happy Halloween?
I could hear the nurses talking with each other. Huddled in the corner. They were trying to keep their voices down. But I could hear them.
As usual, they were speaking in Japanese. The language they always used when they were trying to hide things from the patients. But I could understand them.
I started to scream.
“Let us go!’
“Just fucking let us out of here!”
“For God’s sake, let us go!”
One detached from the group. A shadowy figure, ambling in my direction.
She fumbled for the IV line. I tried to fight. The blackness swallowed me.
***
The middle of the night. I could hear them talking again.
In Japanese, obviously.
“The allies will be here in a day or two! If we trade the patients, they might let us live.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, the Europeans will shoot us on sight. Our only chance is with the retreating forces. Our best bet is to kill the patients, then make a run for it.”
I began to scream. Terror, in its purest form.
A shadow detached.
Blackness swallowed me.
***
Why would nobody listen? I had the proof! I might be a prisoner, but I was still a scholar!
I knew a book that established it. They might tell everybody that this was a hospital. But I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it was a prison camp. We were only being kept alive so that they could harvest our organs for the black market. Anyone who consulted the evidence could see this.
If only they would listen!
It wouldn’t take long!
I didn’t even need to be let out of my cage. Someone could just sit down next to me, and I’d explain.
Why would nobody listen?
***
“Please! Just one more!”
She looked at me with pity in her eyes.
“Please, I’m so thirsty.”
“I’m sorry, but you’re only allowed to have one”
“Please!”, I begged her again.
She glanced to the door. “OK, but just this once.”
I opened my mouth. She administered exactly 25ml of soothing, room temperature water to my parched throat.
“You’re the only good one in here” I mumbled, meaning every word.
She smiled, again with pity in her eyes.
“Please, can I have another?”
She shook her head.
Thirst overwhelmed me.
She retreated into the hazy middle distance.
The torture resumed.
***
I slammed my wrists into the sides of the cage.
They had put me in shackles, so at least it didn’t hurt.
Smash. Smash. Smash.
Eventually, the one with the angry face came over.
“Stop doing that! You’re going to hurt yourself!”
Like they gave a shit! If they gave a shit, I wouldn’t be in this cage.
Still, I took a break from the smashing.
“The least you can do is get me some coffee,” I spat. “Double espresso. And a croissant whilst you’re at it. I’ll show you how to have a proper Italian breakfast!”
“Paul, you’re not allowed to have coffee. Is your mouth dry? Would you like some water?”
“Just get me some fucking coffee!”
She moved off, back into the haze.
Smash. Smash. Smash.
***
Double vision, so bad it made me nauseous.
“Take them off!” I demanded.
Dad leaned forward, removing the glasses from my face. My arms were still in the shackles, so I couldn’t do it for myself.
Hmm Dad is here. So is Mum.
OK, so it must be a family visitation day.
But Guy and Catrin are here as well. They are not family. And they live in Scotland. But Mum and Dad live in Merseyside.
Weird.
But first things first!
“I need new glasses! These ones hurt my eyes. This is supposed to be a hospital. Can’t somebody just go upstairs and get me some new ones?!”
Everyone looked away.
“Ok fine, let me try again.”
Nausea.
“Take them off!”
***
He’s one of the senior officers. I can tell, because the junior ones are arrayed in deference around him.
“Just let me out of the cage!”
“Paul, you are not in a cage.”
Yeah, right. If I wasn’t in a cage, how come I hadn’t left this room for… weeks? Months?
I thrashed in frustration.
Smash. Smash. Smash.
“OK he still needs more time. And we need to sort that dosage out. At least we know his shoulders work.”
***
It was Kenny who helped me understand.
A big, burley Glaswegian, but with a kindness in his voice and hands. He was a trainee, he told me, but almost qualified.
A man like this wasn’t the army type. And no, he confirmed, he couldn’t speak Japanese.
“Can you?”
“Er, no”
“Singapore? Nae lad, yer in Glasgae!”
And I knew Kenny wouldn’t lie. I just knew.
“I’m never going to climb again, am I Kenny?”
Kenny didn’t answer.
***
“The accident was very serious. Multiple traumas, with the worst, I’m afraid, being the damage to your neck.”
I still thought of him as the senior officer. Something to do with his no-bullshit style. Not that I had ever been near the army myself. Too busy studying, collecting degrees. A tenured position. An expansive life. Of both body and mind, split between libraries and mountains.
I nodded slightly, to show I was listening.
“But that’s actually kind of the good news. For the last couple of weeks, we’ve been really worried about your head. The MRI said you’d be okay, but your behaviour has been… erratic.”
I nodded.
“Anyway, we can talk more about this in the coming days. But I always think a straight approach is best.”
He paused.
“The damage to your spinal cord is very serious. We cannot say for several months yet what the final outcome will be. But you need to start preparing yourself. Those casts will come off your wrists in a few weeks. But you are tetraplegic. There is a high likelihood that you will have lost functionality in your hands.”
I swallowed.
“Okay, but, will I be able to walk?”
He paused.
“At this stage, nobody can say for certain. But almost certainly not.”
I looked away, stared at the wall.
“All this time, I thought I was in a cage. But it turns out, the cage was in me.”
Is what I didn’t say.
I didn’t say anything.
I just stared at the wall.
--
This is a true story. No ghosts required.
Bloody hell Paul, that's a fantastic piece of writing
This lovely and terrible piece of writing makes me think of my first hit of teenage angst. The delivery mechanism was the Smashing Pumpkins song "Bullet with Butterfly Wings", as played on my brother's stereo, of which I was only able to discern the chorus: "Despite all my rage I'm still just a rat in a cage".
At the time, it was quite the revelation that you didn't have to be upset at any particular thing. You could actually be upset at *gestures broadly* all of it at once. Though maybe you would not describe your own situation that way.