I am in awe of what you have accomplished! It saddens me that you think of yourself as a failure when you are, without doubt, a HUGE success. So brave, so determined, so capable, etc. When I have a difficult task ahead of me I always say "I've done this before; I can do it again!" I am 88 years old and have known many people in my long and busy life, but you are one of my heroes. Keep on keeping on! Sending hugs to you. Barbara
Paul, I am over the fucking moon reading your blog this evening!! Come on!! 🙌
Your academic achievements blow me away, you are doing AMAZING!! ..
Making the decision to go out on your own is awesome news!!
I no longer care if I sound like a weirdo, I've had an emotional investment in you since reading the Guardian piece a few months ago and I genuinely care about how you're doing! Do you listen to Podcasts? You might find 'Rich Roll' & 'Dr Andrew Huberman interesting.
Looking forward to hearing about your next adventure! You can, and you will!!
Climber and scientist here. I messaged you once before asking if it was humanality where you took that photo from (one of the most wonderful climbs right?) Since reading your guardian piece and following you since, I wonder how you’re doing often. You’re a f*cking warrior teaching and publishing still. I know how hard that is to do. I’ll try find your publications and educate myself. And heading out alone.. needed the same guts that got you up a lot of faces I have no doubt. Looking forward to your next writings. Harry
Just catching up on the substacks for this week, and seeing Hanif take some faltering steps and hearing of your brave solo journey is hugely uplifting and enlightening in the midst of the general darkness. Bravo. Such respect for you.
Two things came to mind, Paul, whilst reading today's blog:
1. You said "his only job was to not fuck it up, and he couldn't even do that", it made me think of some people who I have met (remember, I work at a general hospital) who tried to kill themselves, like really kill themselves not just by taking too many paracetamol, but by noose and gun, and didn't die. They fucked up. This was not of your making, remember. Think of the stoic concept of the dichotomy of control, things we can control (out thoughts, actions and reactions) and things we cannot control (your accident).
2. You fear you'll never have any new ideas?? Dude, you just got a whole new perspective on life! I'd say that could give you lots of ideas! I get ideas reading your blog and I can't write academic articles.
That's so wonderful to hear. So glad you have grasped some freedom - in your teaching and in your ability to get somewhere by yourself. These are so much more than mountains!!! They are feats of bravery, stamina, courage and intellectual ability. : )))
"I managed to do every single seminar and lecture I was scheduled for, from September to the end of March"... my jaw genuinely dropped when I read that. Not even a UTI. The word amazing gets thrown around and wasted these days but that is really amazing. Well done to you (and your care team). This whole post is so full of good news.
I was also struck by the fact you have found a way and a place to start to spend time alone after so long. Your mental airwaves can get free of the interference that comes just from having other people about, even when they're nothing but supportive. There's such freedom and peace in that.
By the way, I hope you don't ever feel pressured to be inspiring or heroic or solely on an ever upward trajectory from here. Just do what you need to do, kid.
Wow. I don't know you obvs. I thought you were "just" a journalist. Ie as your main job. I thought keeping a job/having a job was very impressive. Then, fixk me, you do teaching and research too. That's like where do you fit in everything else? Anyway huge well done. Congratulations on your research too!
Your bar is so high - probably on purpose - no matter what state you’re in that bar is a tantalising one. Easily the most positive account from you. I am amazed at all these wins amazed at the risk taking just amazed. There is one stand out phrase. You said ‘if you back yourself -‘ I particularly like that phrase and use it myself - it sounds nothing but it is everything. No one will ever back you like you.
Going to have to say this but bloody well done. Using every scrap of help out there pushing yourself. Be proud.
Fabulous piece Paul. Early on in my rehab, just getting out of my bed and into my chair felt like a big deal, so it sounds to me like you are totally nailing it! Stay strong & see you soon for that beer.
I can’t believe you feel like a failure. I am very impressed by everything you endured and achieved, both before and after the accident. Lots of love from the Netherlands.
As you can tell by the comments, your post has made many of your readers very happy indeed! While your life is not how you planned it and far from how you wish, you have made significant strides towards having a more meaningful life as you measure it: teaching, writing, and more independence than you had a year ago. I have told you several time in these comments that I have learned so much from you and I continue to learn. You have written movingly about human dignity and i have shared those posts with my university students — so you continue to teach people who are not even in your courses. You should enjoy these events as the victories they are because they demonstrate your continued fight to live life on your own terms as well as you can. I share the same malady you have, "Not Quite Good Enough Syndrome" (imposter syndrome), where I downplay my own accomplishments. Luckily I have people in my life who remind me that I'm OK. One friend told me that what I consider my "half-assed is other people's quarter-assed" which I took as high praise. You can come up with your own ass-metric for yourself. Thanks for writing and for this update.
I am in awe of what you have accomplished! It saddens me that you think of yourself as a failure when you are, without doubt, a HUGE success. So brave, so determined, so capable, etc. When I have a difficult task ahead of me I always say "I've done this before; I can do it again!" I am 88 years old and have known many people in my long and busy life, but you are one of my heroes. Keep on keeping on! Sending hugs to you. Barbara
Paul, I am over the fucking moon reading your blog this evening!! Come on!! 🙌
Your academic achievements blow me away, you are doing AMAZING!! ..
Making the decision to go out on your own is awesome news!!
I no longer care if I sound like a weirdo, I've had an emotional investment in you since reading the Guardian piece a few months ago and I genuinely care about how you're doing! Do you listen to Podcasts? You might find 'Rich Roll' & 'Dr Andrew Huberman interesting.
Looking forward to hearing about your next adventure! You can, and you will!!
What you have achieved deserves fulsome praise; but whatever I think to write sounds trite, unlike your prose. So there is another strength you have.
Climber and scientist here. I messaged you once before asking if it was humanality where you took that photo from (one of the most wonderful climbs right?) Since reading your guardian piece and following you since, I wonder how you’re doing often. You’re a f*cking warrior teaching and publishing still. I know how hard that is to do. I’ll try find your publications and educate myself. And heading out alone.. needed the same guts that got you up a lot of faces I have no doubt. Looking forward to your next writings. Harry
Just catching up on the substacks for this week, and seeing Hanif take some faltering steps and hearing of your brave solo journey is hugely uplifting and enlightening in the midst of the general darkness. Bravo. Such respect for you.
Two things came to mind, Paul, whilst reading today's blog:
1. You said "his only job was to not fuck it up, and he couldn't even do that", it made me think of some people who I have met (remember, I work at a general hospital) who tried to kill themselves, like really kill themselves not just by taking too many paracetamol, but by noose and gun, and didn't die. They fucked up. This was not of your making, remember. Think of the stoic concept of the dichotomy of control, things we can control (out thoughts, actions and reactions) and things we cannot control (your accident).
2. You fear you'll never have any new ideas?? Dude, you just got a whole new perspective on life! I'd say that could give you lots of ideas! I get ideas reading your blog and I can't write academic articles.
That's so wonderful to hear. So glad you have grasped some freedom - in your teaching and in your ability to get somewhere by yourself. These are so much more than mountains!!! They are feats of bravery, stamina, courage and intellectual ability. : )))
"I managed to do every single seminar and lecture I was scheduled for, from September to the end of March"... my jaw genuinely dropped when I read that. Not even a UTI. The word amazing gets thrown around and wasted these days but that is really amazing. Well done to you (and your care team). This whole post is so full of good news.
I was also struck by the fact you have found a way and a place to start to spend time alone after so long. Your mental airwaves can get free of the interference that comes just from having other people about, even when they're nothing but supportive. There's such freedom and peace in that.
By the way, I hope you don't ever feel pressured to be inspiring or heroic or solely on an ever upward trajectory from here. Just do what you need to do, kid.
Wow. I don't know you obvs. I thought you were "just" a journalist. Ie as your main job. I thought keeping a job/having a job was very impressive. Then, fixk me, you do teaching and research too. That's like where do you fit in everything else? Anyway huge well done. Congratulations on your research too!
Have you been hacked? :)
Genuinely hope not
Your bar is so high - probably on purpose - no matter what state you’re in that bar is a tantalising one. Easily the most positive account from you. I am amazed at all these wins amazed at the risk taking just amazed. There is one stand out phrase. You said ‘if you back yourself -‘ I particularly like that phrase and use it myself - it sounds nothing but it is everything. No one will ever back you like you.
Going to have to say this but bloody well done. Using every scrap of help out there pushing yourself. Be proud.
Maddi
Brilliant. So happy to read this.
Fabulous piece Paul. Early on in my rehab, just getting out of my bed and into my chair felt like a big deal, so it sounds to me like you are totally nailing it! Stay strong & see you soon for that beer.
This is good to hear. On the last sentence, I wonder whether failure is a relative or absolute term when it comes to evaluating the good life?
I can’t believe you feel like a failure. I am very impressed by everything you endured and achieved, both before and after the accident. Lots of love from the Netherlands.
As you can tell by the comments, your post has made many of your readers very happy indeed! While your life is not how you planned it and far from how you wish, you have made significant strides towards having a more meaningful life as you measure it: teaching, writing, and more independence than you had a year ago. I have told you several time in these comments that I have learned so much from you and I continue to learn. You have written movingly about human dignity and i have shared those posts with my university students — so you continue to teach people who are not even in your courses. You should enjoy these events as the victories they are because they demonstrate your continued fight to live life on your own terms as well as you can. I share the same malady you have, "Not Quite Good Enough Syndrome" (imposter syndrome), where I downplay my own accomplishments. Luckily I have people in my life who remind me that I'm OK. One friend told me that what I consider my "half-assed is other people's quarter-assed" which I took as high praise. You can come up with your own ass-metric for yourself. Thanks for writing and for this update.
You are amazing… keep searching you will find your way.💫