In my last post I noted my surprising predilection towards an underlying superstitiousness. This all-too-human tendency has, I think, a lot to do with something observed with great insight by the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche.
Nietzsche pointed out that there is a great difference between how human beings handle different kinds of suffering, depending on the context. Specifically, whether or not any given suffering is interpreted by the person going through it as having meaning or not.
After all, humans are capable of enduring colossal amounts of suffering if they think it has a deeper purpose. For example, consider the religious fanatic who is willing to be literally burned alive at the stake if they perceive that this is a test sent from God, proof of their inner spiritual commitment. Or to use a more recent example, think of Republican terrorist prisoners in Northern Ireland in the 1980s who voluntarily starved themselves to death in the name of their political cause.
In ordinary circumstances such astonishing levels of pain would simply be beyond endurable. But if a human being thinks they are suffering for a reason, they can put up with a tremendous amount of it.
Interestingly, it turns out that something like the reverse is also true. Make somebody suffer for no reason, and you torture them twice over.
Unfortunately for me, that is precisely the predicament I find myself in right now.
There is no doubt that I am enduring a great deal of suffering at present. The silver lining is that it is almost all psychological, and I am mostly free from physical pain (an upshot of being paralysed, I suppose). There is no doubt however, that a great deal of mental anguish is the reality for me. I grieve for everything that I have lost, and I’m literally terrified about what my reduced future, absent so much of what I loved, will be like to live through. And what makes this suffering particularly painful is that it has no purpose, no meaning. It was just a bad accident that happened because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
And this is where another of Nietzsche‘s insights bears out. That what a human brain does to try and cope with meaningless suffering is to give it meaning. And if none can be found in external reality, then one turns the meaning into one‘s own psyche: the desire for things to make sense focuses inwards instead of on the world out there. A powerful and very common response in such a situation is that one seeks to blame oneself for what has happened.
After all, if it was somehow my fault that the accident happened, and I could castigate myself accordingly, then suddenly things would have meaning. I could tell myself that I was to blame. I could tell myself that I deserved my accident. As a result, my present suffering could be made intelligible as form of rightful punishment. Perversely, in many ways this would be easier to psychologically process than the reality. My suffering would now be given meaning, and by virtue of that, would be easier to take.
The problem of course is that whilst this turning inwards might offer short-term psychological relief, it can only lead to long-term self harm. If I internalise a coping mechanism that blames myself for what happened this will ultimately lead only to bitterness, self hatred, and mental mutilation. (Likewise the desire to think that I brought this on myself via superstitious attributions of tempting fate, and why those thoughts are probably also best avoided.)
The only solution as far as I’m aware is time, honesty, the continued invaluable support of friends and family, and eventual reintegration into something like normal life. I’d be lying, though, if I didn’t confess that the sheer length and indeterminacy of the struggle ahead was not itself a central aspect of the present suffering.
But there we go. Life is random and the only meaning is what we bring to it ourselves. As Nietzsche also taught, the point is to accept this truth, and yet live as fully as one can whilst facing it down and refusing to be broken by it. A work in progress, in my case, but at least think I know what the task ahead is.
Very interesting.
Nietzsche was always of interest to me (I am a political science major, and then went on to work in policy, mostly climate and health policy]. It's interesting to revisit his theories through a disability lens, especially since my own personal drug injury.
A bit unrelated, but considering some of your more recent posts and your career, I was thinking about the fact that when/if you're thinking about going back to your job, you should try and apply to Access To Work asap.
They're known to have v. long waiting lists. Mine was 12 weeks just to get an assessment, and I was worried I was going to lose my job, so I pushed and pushed, and even went as far as warn them I was lookin into legal action. They eventually helped me and I didn't have to wait that long.
But from what I'm reading on DNS the waiting lists are still horrendous - https://www.disabilitynewsservice.com/anger-over-incompetence-and-delays-within-dwps-access-to-work-scheme/.
Also, if you need advice re your mean-tested care etc. I'd reach out to a local disability group. Citizens Advice et.c are good, but local disability groups are usually v. well informed.
For your reference:
Different Possibilities….
https://simplybeing.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/Letter.-Reflections-on-Cancer-Career-JLow-05-10-2023.pdf