Paul, I have been following your posts almost from the beginning, landing on them initially because I am myself a keen mountaineer (not the rock climbing variety, but something of a risk-taking scrambler). I had been planning a Cuillin ridge trip and scared for my safety, but irony of ironies my venture was a success but weeks later I lost my beloved wife in utter shock circumstances (a schizophrenic relapse but no hint it could kill her, yet it did). That was 4 months ago, and I have since then felt suicidal on a daily basis and without hope. The relationship cannot be replicated, the loss and loneliness feels total (even though rationally I know I have not 5% left but more like 50%). I could paraphrase every emotion and thought in your today's blog into my own situation, the conviction I don't wanna be here and can't stand another day let alone 2 years. I also hear a lot about 'time' and 'early days', usually in a 1 or 2 year 'promise'. I do not believe it - have not believed it - until perhaps NOW - reading your outstanding articulate story, and very inspired to see the kind of epiphany you are now encountering. Yep, I might stick around just to see what the bloody well might happen around the corner, even that's a year, but I know it too will take work. This is a long winded way of saying 'thanks man, and keep fighting the good fight.' Your writings are a valuable and masterly contribution to the human race. Phil.
I read these posts avidly, Paul - for their honesty and lack of toxic positivity. I'm so glad for you that this shift has come. My circumstances are very different, and from my worst points it took longer than two years for the shift to come. But it did come, and now when the darkness hits again (and it does) I can mostly remember that it no longer always feels that way.
Dear Paul .. thank you for writing this. I have so much to learn about the psychology around the massive impact of spinal injuries and reading your substack has been one of the most insightful and helpful places to try and understand what it must feel like.
Dear Paul, This post has made me very, very happy for you, and it helps me too, in my struggle with Parkinson's disease. My mantra is: 'this is it". Struggling with reality is futile and the more the struggle, the more the psychological suffering.
Thank you for your moving and gripping writing. If you were to write an account of your experiences, I think many people would like to read it, and take courage from your strength and resilience. 💗
Paul, this gives me immense comfort and hope. I am very happy for you that the darkness has lifted and you can contemplate a future. As long as you write, I will read, because you have an incredible ability to communicate from the depths, and to provoke thought. Thank you for this and all of the other posts over the last 2 years. Please keep writing.
Inspiring….. I came here as a climber, when you were an active climber! I’ve sporadically followed your journey, you’ve always written well about your deeply personal feelings, I’d say your still climbing mountains…..
Wow....what a surprise reading today's post Paul. I'm really glad for you that two huge detractors of life (inner screamer and disturbed sleep)have moved on for now, and, hopefully far away. As a retired nurse I have really appreciated your truth postings without sugar coating. I hope you will eventually publish the grim story of at least the first 2 years for casualties and their friends and family. In my own dark moments I have felt greatly supported by other people's stories especially those that resonate with just how godawful it can feel. I salute your courage and your mighty team and wish you a future peppered with happy surprises. 💚
One of the interesting things I’ve learned from reading your blog is how powerful empathy is. I don’t know you personally but it’s clear that that’s irrelevant when it comes to feeling for you and hoping for the best. More than anything I’ve wanted you to know that you’re not suffering alone. It’s nothing to do with feeling “sorry” for you, it’s more about wanting you to know that on some primal level a fellow creature needs my emotional support.
So your writing is a gift - it’s from one human who is experiencing a terrible challenge to other humans who are called to respond emotionally and rally round.
Dear Paul - It is wonderful to read this post and I am so glad to know that you are feeling better about things and that life has some meaning again. I am going to donate to Back Up.
I've been reading your posts for some time because in many ways, I can relate to the way you think (although I cannot write and express myself anywhere as well as you can)!
Anyway, I am so glad to hear that you've had this mindset shift. If it means anything to you, I am one of the many people who have enjoyed reading your posts, have learnt a lot from your wisdom and experience, and are quietly supporting you from a distance and sending positive feelings your way.
Paul, I have been following your posts almost from the beginning, landing on them initially because I am myself a keen mountaineer (not the rock climbing variety, but something of a risk-taking scrambler). I had been planning a Cuillin ridge trip and scared for my safety, but irony of ironies my venture was a success but weeks later I lost my beloved wife in utter shock circumstances (a schizophrenic relapse but no hint it could kill her, yet it did). That was 4 months ago, and I have since then felt suicidal on a daily basis and without hope. The relationship cannot be replicated, the loss and loneliness feels total (even though rationally I know I have not 5% left but more like 50%). I could paraphrase every emotion and thought in your today's blog into my own situation, the conviction I don't wanna be here and can't stand another day let alone 2 years. I also hear a lot about 'time' and 'early days', usually in a 1 or 2 year 'promise'. I do not believe it - have not believed it - until perhaps NOW - reading your outstanding articulate story, and very inspired to see the kind of epiphany you are now encountering. Yep, I might stick around just to see what the bloody well might happen around the corner, even that's a year, but I know it too will take work. This is a long winded way of saying 'thanks man, and keep fighting the good fight.' Your writings are a valuable and masterly contribution to the human race. Phil.
I read these posts avidly, Paul - for their honesty and lack of toxic positivity. I'm so glad for you that this shift has come. My circumstances are very different, and from my worst points it took longer than two years for the shift to come. But it did come, and now when the darkness hits again (and it does) I can mostly remember that it no longer always feels that way.
Dear Paul .. thank you for writing this. I have so much to learn about the psychology around the massive impact of spinal injuries and reading your substack has been one of the most insightful and helpful places to try and understand what it must feel like.
Dear Paul, This post has made me very, very happy for you, and it helps me too, in my struggle with Parkinson's disease. My mantra is: 'this is it". Struggling with reality is futile and the more the struggle, the more the psychological suffering.
Thank you for your moving and gripping writing. If you were to write an account of your experiences, I think many people would like to read it, and take courage from your strength and resilience. 💗
Paul, this gives me immense comfort and hope. I am very happy for you that the darkness has lifted and you can contemplate a future. As long as you write, I will read, because you have an incredible ability to communicate from the depths, and to provoke thought. Thank you for this and all of the other posts over the last 2 years. Please keep writing.
Dear Paul, your writing today made me shout with joy.
I do not have any SCI, but your blog is extremely well written and i can relate to the darkness you talk about, the daily thought of give up, give up.
i would like to thank you for your blog.
Inspiring….. I came here as a climber, when you were an active climber! I’ve sporadically followed your journey, you’ve always written well about your deeply personal feelings, I’d say your still climbing mountains…..
Wow....what a surprise reading today's post Paul. I'm really glad for you that two huge detractors of life (inner screamer and disturbed sleep)have moved on for now, and, hopefully far away. As a retired nurse I have really appreciated your truth postings without sugar coating. I hope you will eventually publish the grim story of at least the first 2 years for casualties and their friends and family. In my own dark moments I have felt greatly supported by other people's stories especially those that resonate with just how godawful it can feel. I salute your courage and your mighty team and wish you a future peppered with happy surprises. 💚
(To confirm that I have just donated and told them that I was inspired by reading your blog post.)
Well done you ;-)
I’m so glad to know things are better.
One of the interesting things I’ve learned from reading your blog is how powerful empathy is. I don’t know you personally but it’s clear that that’s irrelevant when it comes to feeling for you and hoping for the best. More than anything I’ve wanted you to know that you’re not suffering alone. It’s nothing to do with feeling “sorry” for you, it’s more about wanting you to know that on some primal level a fellow creature needs my emotional support.
So your writing is a gift - it’s from one human who is experiencing a terrible challenge to other humans who are called to respond emotionally and rally round.
Dear Paul - It is wonderful to read this post and I am so glad to know that you are feeling better about things and that life has some meaning again. I am going to donate to Back Up.
I've been reading your posts for some time because in many ways, I can relate to the way you think (although I cannot write and express myself anywhere as well as you can)!
Anyway, I am so glad to hear that you've had this mindset shift. If it means anything to you, I am one of the many people who have enjoyed reading your posts, have learnt a lot from your wisdom and experience, and are quietly supporting you from a distance and sending positive feelings your way.
So happy that you have gained this hard won perspective. Wishing you all the very best. Xxx
Paul , thank you! I do not have a sci, but your writing is an inspiration .